Two Cents: Many Bothans Died Bringing You These Random Thoughts (5/16/2005)

(I worked as a Sports Editor from late 2004 until the summer of 2006. This is one of the many columns I was able to save that were originally published in The Sun-Times of Heber Springs, Arkansas.)

I can’t concentrate. It’s not because I’m trying to write this column while my son and two of his friends yell, sing and argue their way through a game of Tony Hawk on PlayStation 2.

That I can pretty much handle. What’s really giving me the attention span of a gnat is the anticipation of what could possibly be the best movie ever made. And it opens tomorrow.

Yes, Revenge of the Sith is consuming my every waking (and sleeping) thought. I’m so geeked about seeing Obi-Wan turn Anakin Skywalker into a charred torso in need of a mechanical lung, that I can’t put two coherent thoughts together enough to write a column that no one will read.

So instead, I’m going to treat you two loyal readers to some of my random thoughts on a few topics in the sporting world. In honor of Han Solo, I’m naming it: What an Incredible Smell You’ve Discovered.

Annika’s a Chick; Marquette isn’t Gold

On Monday, Annika Sorenstam won the ‘Chick-Fil-A Charity Championship’. Does anyone else find that funny? Can we call her the ‘Number One Chick’ now? I guess it’s not as bad as being called a Warrior – unless you’re trying to get back to your Coney Island turf before the Baseball Furies or the Gramercy Riffs find you – like Marquette, who some years ago changed their name from the Warriors to the Golden Eagles.

They changed it under pressure from Native American groups who didn’t like it. Golden State received a free pass because…um, I’m not sure. Now Marquette has taken offense to the Golden Eagles tag, and momentarily called themselves the Gold, before realizing that gold went out with Members Only jackets. Currently they are sans nickname.

I was watching rugby and a soccer game broke out

A high school rugby coach in California was beaten by an opposing coach and fans after he tried to break up a fight between a referee and the opposing coach’s brother. The ref suffered a busted lip while the coach was bloodied and knocked unconscious. The parents then fled the scene on foot. I can’t decide what’s worse, the fact that some ignorant adults bum-rushed a coach, or the fact I don’t have a punch line.

Newton’s pushing Cowboys out of hall

Last week Nate Newton spoke about his drug bust, saying he had aspirations of being the biggest and best drug dealer in America. Then, Drew Pearson says that the NFL is blacklisting America’s Team from the 70s from the Hall of Fame. Maybe if Newton had fulfilled his promise as a drug dealer, he could have just bought the Hall of Fame and changed the name to Dr. Cody’s All-Night Pharmacy.

Soccer’s just another word for football

Tampa Bay Bucs owner Malcom Glazer just completed a hostile takeover of Manchester United, the most profitable soccer franchise in the world. Man U fans are threatening everything from a boycott on season tickets, to setting things on fire. I think this calls for a visit from Chucky Gruden, who’ll win the Brits over with a sneer and a scowl.

The Answer is dribbling past my bum leg

Rumors surfaced this week that Chris Webber can’t get along with Allen Iverson and wants out of Philly. Webber denied saying Iverson dribbles too much, and then denied that this was planet Earth.

Ok, I’ve had enough. Every time I try to think of something insightful or funny, I get images of howling Wookies and clashing lightsabers dancing in front of my eyes. Maybe Friday’s column will be better, but remember, I have to write it on Wednesday. That’s the day before the Sith have their revenge. Until then my brain will be property of Lucasfilm.



Categories: sports

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