Two Cents: Miami Criminals Coming Down with a Case of Shaq-Fu (9/16/05)

(I worked as a Sports Editor from late 2004 until the summer of 2006. This is one of the many columns I was able to save that were originally published in The Sun-Times of Heber Springs, Arkansas.)

At 3 a.m. in Miami Beach, Florida last Sunday morning, two guys stopped dragging their knuckles around town long enough to jump into their silver, Fred Flintstone edition Honda and cruise down Washington Avenue.

It was then that their inbred ignorance met dumb luck, birthing a new champion for truth, justice, and the American way.

I can only imagine the conversation between ‘Mo’ and ‘Ron’ went something like this:

Mo: “Hey, there’s two guys walking down the street. I bet they’re gay!”

Ron: “Yeah, let’s teach ‘em to be more like us!”

Mo: “What, single, unemployed, illiterate, incontinent, and gassy?”

Ron: “No Uncle Daddy, straight!”

After their epiphanic exchange of vowels and consonants, the two bravely hurled hate speech at the two men from the safety of their foot-powered car. Then Mo slammed his feet into the street to stop the car, and Ron got out and threw his beer bottle onto one of the men’s backs.

The two brow-challenged goons then sped off to wreak more brotherly love. Little did they know that a burgeoning superstar policeman was on their tail.

Mo: “Whooo hoo! We shore taught them didn’t we!”

Ron: “Let’s go home and watch that Hitler biography again.”

Mo: “Is there a huge SUV with a diamond-encrusted Superman symbol on the grill following us?”

Ron: “There’s no such thang as Superman! Let’s go catch each other’s lugies!”

Two hours later Ron was in jail.

No, the last son of Krypton didn’t apprehend them. They were nabbed by one of the NBAs 50 Greatest Players, Shaquille O’Neal.

It seems Shaq was patrolling the streets of Miami Beach at 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning looking for crime, in much the same manner that the Batman carts around Gotham looking for thugs to punish.

He saw 18-year-old Michael Gonzalez, and an unidentified driver, yell anti-gay slurs at two men walking down the street, before Gonzalez started trying out for next year’s beer tossing prison team.

When the two sped off, the Daddy was in hot pursuit, and followed them until they turned onto Palm Island. There, O’Neal flagged down an officer on duty who arrested Gonzales on charges of aggravated assault and assault with a deadly weapon.

This wasn’t a case of Shaq merely being civic-minded. He has completed training to be a reserve officer in the Miami police force and only needs to become state certified to be a real-life policeman.

He’s even been fitted for a uniform already. And he’s serious; he’s already fighting for collars. He told the press that, “For this incident I don’t want to be credited as an individual who does police work, I want to be credited as a Miami Beach police officer”.

I think it’s a good idea. The sight of a 7-foot, 320-pound cop getting out of a patrol car would be enough to deter anyone from a life of crime.

I guarantee there will be no resisting arrest charges on Shaq’s beat.

After this, what’s left for the Diesel? He’s been an All-American, All-NBA, World Champion, actor, star of the video game ‘Shaq-Fu’, musician, and now cop. And I think it’s just the beginning for the Big Aristotle.

Once he cleans up Miami, maybe he can join the FBI or CIA and become Agent Daddy, posting up drug lords and taking cults off the dribble. After a stint doing covert-ops in the middle east, O’Neal can come home and vie for the title of World Police Chief.

I can see it now: Shaq For President – 2016.

I’d vote for him; it couldn’t get much worse could it?



Categories: Basketball, sports

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