Two Cents: Illusions, Secret Videotaping and Busted Triple Axles in this Week’s ‘Sports Kids’ Diary (7/8/05)

(I worked as a Sports Editor from late 2004 until the summer of 2006. This is one of the many columns I was able to save that were originally published in The Sun-Times of Heber Springs, Arkansas.)

I was recently called a homer by a certain curmudgeonly Benton-Courier column writer forever to be referred to in this space by ‘It who shall not be named’.

He wasn’t referring to that lovable oaf in Springfield, or the poet that wrote the Odyssey, and it wasn’t his redneck way of questioning my sexuality.

He was in fact saying I was a homer because I only write positive stuff about our area athletes. To be more exact he gave an example where I called a Panther fumble a “valiant effort”.

Well paint me red and put a big H on my chest, because if that’s what it means to be a homer, then I’ll proudly be one for the rest of my days.

I would go on a rant and rip his world apart, but I don’t want to give him any more column fodder. As it is, he owes me and some of the good folks here in Heber a percentage of his checks, since he has gotten almost a month’s worth of ideas from our rebuttals to his ignorance.

So instead of pointing out his obvious idiocy once more, let’s dive into the lunacy that is ‘Sports Kids Moms & Dads’.

9:02 – Sharon is complaining that her cheerleading daughter Sarah, wants to look older and she doesn’t want her to. Wasn’t she painting makeup on Sarah’s face a few episodes ago? And dressing her in midriff baring tight pink leotards? And making her dance suggestively in front of crowds? I guess Sharon doesn’t want her to look older until there’s a pole involved with the dancing.

9:05 – Karli is getting ready to go to the big equestrian event in Florida. Everything is right in the world. This can only mean that horrible things are about to happen.

9:07 – Bryce admits he screwed up in his triple axles as they await word on if he made the cut. Herr Vickie and mom Kim talk about Bryce like he isn’t there, and he’s sitting between them like a forgotten bag of popcorn. Bryce’s outfit screams heterosexual as he checks the results from his performance. He missed the qualifying spot by four places. Kim looks at him like he was just arrested for shoplifting a case of Budweiser.

9:14 – Lindsay is out on a group date and tells her friends she wants tattoos and belly rings, while T.J. is out on a dinner date with her adult friends and admits she read Lindsay’s diary. T.J. reenacts the whole scene like she’s auditioning for the next ‘Original Queens of Comedy’ special. Meanwhile Lindsay and her group date discuss their sexual activity. I hope condoms came with those fries.

9:17 – Craig and his wife discuss Trenton’s diet. They only feed him natural stuff, which is the first sensible thing I’ve seen them do. His football team actually has a weigh-in before games. Good thing he ate that slab of greasy bacon before he came to the field.

9:20 – Yes! I knew it. Karen the mom is flipping out because they only have 18 hours to pack for the trip to Florida for the equestrian event. She says she needs the deadline hour to get motivated and uses the stress to help her get going. I wonder why she’s going through a divorce.

9:27 – Sharon and Sarah are up at 5:30 a.m. to get ready for Sarah’s five individual competitions on the last day of events before Nationals. Sharon gets upset over another parent videotaping Sarah. I smell an assault in the next segment involving Sharon.

9:30 – Bryce is back home and you can tell he feels a lot better. Kim can tell because Bryce is nailing the triple axles now that it doesn’t count and she’s getting angry. Kim decides to let him skate to his routine music and he promptly starts busting his butt on the ice. Kim wants to see a sports psychologist or hire Bryce a stricter coach. I guess Nuremberg vet Herr Vicki is getting soft.

9:32 – Trenton’s coach and a ref talk about sportsmanship. I don’t think the ref knows what show he’s on. If Trenton’s team winds up in a three-way tiebreaker, sportsmanship will decide who goes to the playoffs. Yet another land speed record for a prayer by the coach. He says it so fast it sounds like Pig Latin or Swahili. The kids search frantically for their pocket translators.

9:38 – T.J. is stressing over the big game to decide first place because Lindsay is running a 102-degree fever. They trail by five in the third and continue to fall apart. T.J. picks up a technical, which she claims is her first one as a high school coach. I’m guessing she just got promoted to high school and is no stranger to the middle school tech.

9:41 – Trenton’s team is rolling, but they have to watch themselves due to the sportsmanship points. They win 38-0. I hope for their sake that Steve Spurrier is in charge of what passes for sportsmanship.

9:42 – Karen admits that she constantly appears to be scattered and confused but says, “it’s an illusion”. She loads the car and backs out of the driveway only to stop, open the back hatch and search through a bag for her I.D. This proves she is a master of illusion on par with Doug Henning and Doctor Strange. Karen is totally unconcerned with the school’s rules for checking out. She casts another illusion by revealing she didn’t bring any clothes. She’s so good they should just play Pink Floyd during her segments.

9:50 – Kim and Bryce watch the DVD from the Junior Nationals where Bryce choked. Kim likes to do this since she can’t watch the meets. She says she’s the type of mom that “points out her children’s faults”. Bryce says .5 percent of his mom’s comments are ones he can use. This poor kid is going to be in therapy for years or serving time for matricide.

9:52 – T.J. just tells her team to “kick some (ace)” now that the fourth quarter has started. They put on their boots and make a run to start the period and tie the game. But lack of depth and Lindsay’s malaria got the best of them.

9:55 – Sharon is a champion for keeping choreography pure by not letting anyone tape it and threatens to keep Sarah out of the rest of her competitions. Sarah and her competition Nicolette have a dance off like the world hasn’t seen since Brittany and Justin Timberlake broke up. Nicolette has ripped off Sarah’s routine and look but it doesn’t matter as Sarah wins anyway. In fact, she wins four of the five events she entered. Sharon cries and vows to foil the imitators.



Categories: sports, television

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